blog@thechrisbrowningexperience

A gasp of silence!
The desert blast-furnace heat
Molds and changes lives.

Ah, Dubai. The gem of the Middle East. A city of engineering marvel and diversity. It’s been an interesting port visit, to say the least. Terrorist threats, bombs, MTV DJ’s, indoor skiing, man-made islands, sweltering heat, is it possible to not have fun here?

May or may not have almost gotten blown up. All-you-can-smoke shisha, drinking merrily, and singing and playing guitar all night long with friends; I couldn’t have thought of a better way to finish up a visit to Dubai.

And soon, back on the high seas, through the straights, and to resume our mission. In 28 days I will be on my way home. 4 weeks. Holy god, 4 weeks. I could not be more anxious.

My life has been appraised, humbled, and put into perfect perspective. I can no longer waste it idly by dreaming fondly of “what-if’s.” Action is required to make progress. Inaction results in dystrophy. I see no point in settling in complacency, idly, happily (and unaware) when life could end at any moment.

The most precious of treasures given should not be so easily spent.

.//chris

A single dew drop
Banished by the morning sun,
Returns the next day.

I’ve come to realize, more and more, that all things are destined to eventually end. It is the fate that Nature places on all things, both animate and inanimate. Well, of course this isn’t a new revalation for me or anyone else, but how often do we think it? How often do we actually realize it? Many of us are so caught up and blindsided by a deep-seated aversion to loss, ending, finality, do we ever take a moment to stop and really contemplate what it is that we’re actually doing?

Life is transient. Ever changing. We move from one state to the next, not just in life and death, but our emotions, or feelings, or relationships, or state of minds. Always changing and taking new shapes, like a great pool pouring into an even greater ocean. And I find it remarkable, even in my own actions, the way we try and resist things (most notably: change). It’s a scary concept, this “change”, something we often time dread. But why? Because it removes us from complacency and forces us into a different manner of action. Change. Adapt. We are creatures of routine, and we oft get lazy over time. Again, complacency. What would happen to us if there wasn’t an ever changing cycle in our lives? What would we do with ourselves?

Thus, it is with these changes that makes me realize a different way of thinking. How to let things pass through me, with me, and change with them, instead of letting them grate jagged edges against me, leaving my scuffed and wounded. I’ve done that. I’ve been doing that. And in the past four days I’ve realized that it’s much better to accept the way things are, move with them like the greatest current, instead of struggling uselessly up-stream. I will no longer struggle, choke, and gasp for air as concussive waves crash over me. Instead, I will swim with the sweaping tides of time and progress, moving speedily along, always facing forward. Certainly, there will be some white-water ahead, maybe a few rocks to avoid being dashed upon, but what is life without it’s inherrent dangers? At the very least, it adds for us some excitement!

A good friend of mine recently got into a bad car accident, and it made me think about some of the choices that different people make in their lives. Sometimes we make choices we know aren’t good for us. But why? We make choices that hurt other people. And yet, who has a reason for these actions? We choose to self-destruct, destroy others, deny ourselves of our dreams, inhibit our own successes, and for what reason? Is it selfishness? Is it fear? I have yet to discover the cause(s), and I wonder if I really ever want to. Is the reason as important as the outcome? If the reason is known, will it stop the inevitiable result? Somehow, I seriously doubt it.

What it all boils down to is an acceptance of all things. There are some things you can change, there are some things you can’t change. It’s the ability to accept that there are things that I am unable to change, that I’m begining to grasp. To move with these things, instead of against them. I think it’s a critical trait for anyone’s character to do well in life and live happily. I have been changing the way I’ve been thinking recently, with a change that is both refreshing and mildly uncomfortable (at least at first) at the same time.

There’s no longer a sense of trying to find “who I am.” I’m always going to be “who I am”, and the “who I am” today and the “who I am” I will be tomorrow might be different, but I am still the same person. How can we aim to find out who we are when we are in a constant state of change?. People who try to “find” themselves are setting off on a doomed journey, because you’ll never be the same way forever. Even in sublte ways, we change. And more often than not, we don’t even realize the changes that are occuring. Instead, I’ve found that just observing the world, observing everything that happens around me is and forming my opinions, my reactions, and my thoughts is enough for me to flesh out my character. Instead of settling on finding myself, I’ll aim to always improve myself, to always change myself. I refuse to simply remain the same person. Life is too short to waste on trying to find a buried treasure that never existed in the first place.

.//chris

I am just a breeze.
Kissing your face one moment,
Then, long forgotten.

I wonder how long I’m going to hold on to the notion that things might -just might- work themselves back into the comfortable way they used to be. That “I’m sorry” would never have to be said, and all the things in the past could be tucked neatly under a bridge - water, as it were. I wonder how long I can pretend this is all just a bad dream, and that one day soon I’m going to wake up with all the awful things that have happened are gone away, and life continues forward, merrily, happily. Should I stop being so naieve and face the cold, hard truth of this world? That hearts are always broken, pride is always lost, and there are no heroes anymore? If that’s the truth, I’m going create and live in a comfortable little lie; that a heart is invulnerable only when it’s in love, that pride is as loud and fierce as a lion’s roar (and always echoes and never goes away!), and there’ s a Superman in each and every one of us, somewhere, trying to get out with his laser eyes. If the world is filled with sadness, collapse, dispair, I’ll aim to fill it with happiness, foundation, hope. Even if it’s just by existing, day by day, week by week, I’ll live and shine and love and run and jump, just like I did when I was a boy. Back when all things in this world were amazing, and our eyes could grow as big as saucers. Always this talk of “growing up” and “finding direction.” I won’t find direction. I won’t ever find direction. Direction is going to find me. ‘Damn directions’, the male persona inside me says! ‘Don’t need ‘em!’ And it’s true. Because on the road of life, you’re never really lost since you’re always on a road to somewhere. You just might end up seeing a little extra taking the long way around, on occassion.

A spot of good news. I was told today that I won’t have to deploy again in January. A relief. I hadn’t wanted to go, not at all. I’ll simply be sent elsewhere to work my remaining days in the Navy. While I do feel a little remorseful that I won’t be able to help them, those feelings quickly fade into the logical rebuttal, “Well, they shouldn’t have sent me out here, then.” I find that reasonable enough.

.//chris

I’ll wait. Patiently, quietly, I’ll wait. Oh, I’ll be happy, like a boy in a rocket ship on his way to Mars, but still waiting all the same. Deep down we all know it’s because some things are just worth waiting around for. I wonder if I’ll be waiting until one day my heart no longer remembers and won’t wait any longer? A tragic fate for any spaceman.

Like an ancient ghost,
I float on December’s breath.
A flickering dream.

I think I have the rest of cruise planned out. I’m going to stay until November 1st, at which point I will fly home after a relaxing vacation in Singapore. I’m not yet sure if I’ll be passing through Hawaii, but I’ll find that out closer to the date that I leave. I certainly hope so, as it would be nice to catch up with old friends after being away so long. As it stands right now, I have 53 days left of deployment. That’s much closer than I estimated last week, and a much more bearable of a number.

As deployment carries us farther and farther away from the world we know, I seem to also be drifting farther and farther from the people I know. Since you don’t exist in the “real” world, people kind of forget about you. Your presence isn’t as important, and your memory can only last so long in the minds of those you left behind. And why should it be any other way? I wouldn’t expect everyone to malinger about each day thinking about me. But, it does get kind of lonely when everyone stops responding to your emails and you no longer have friends and loved ones to talk to.

The world tick, tick, ticks on while I’m trapped in a little time capsule like a message in a bottle. I wonder how it’s going to be when I return? Six months is a long time, and many things can change. Changes demand adaptability, and fortunately that’s something that I’m relatively good at.

Who will be there when I get back? Who are the ones who remember me?

.//chris

It’s been many years
Since I’ve felt the autumn wind.
But still, it happens.

So, I’ve discovered I really enjoy writing haiku. I think I’m going to pursue it further and learn all the rules and appropiate forms to write proper haiku. It relaxes me and puts my mind at ease, short though they are.

Some speculative news: my parent command back in San Diego wants to know if my presence is still needed out here on the Reagan, and I suspect they might want me to come home early. I imagine it’s because they’re having a rough time and need the assistance. However, if it were my choice, I’d rather stay out here, and let me tell you why. If I returned early, I would have no reason not to go on deployment again in January, whereas if I were to remain here until the end of this deployment, I probably would not have to go in January because we’re are supposed to receive a certain amount of time back home before being deployed again. Also, we’re receiving tax exempt pay, and it would be a shame to lose out on that money. But, it is speculative at the moment, so I’ll have to wait and see what happens.

Right now things are steady, consistent. I’ve been working out a lot (with pleasing aesthetic results, consequently), studying, learning, and becoming more and more introspective. I’ve learned so much about myself on this deployment, grown in many different ways, and see the world in many different ways than before I left, that I’m really grateful that I was able to go. Although there were some losses for me which were hard, the growth that it stimulated has turned me into a much better, and more observant person. I’ve been told that deployment changes everyone, one way or another. At first, I was apprehensive about this, because I wasn’t sure how I would change. Would it be for the better? For the worse? I can safely say that it’s been for the better, thus far. And I’m confident that when all this is through, I’ll have a much more solid base from which to build myself off of.

I still have many paths ahead of me. Some have closed, others have opened, and I see some now that I hadn’t seen before. The possibilities are endless, and I only need to take a moment to think about which path it is that I should take.

One thing is for certain: they all lead toward a new adventure.

.//chris