blog@thechrisbrowningexperience

I am just a breeze.
Kissing your face one moment,
Then, long forgotten.

I wonder how long I’m going to hold on to the notion that things might -just might- work themselves back into the comfortable way they used to be. That “I’m sorry” would never have to be said, and all the things in the past could be tucked neatly under a bridge - water, as it were. I wonder how long I can pretend this is all just a bad dream, and that one day soon I’m going to wake up with all the awful things that have happened are gone away, and life continues forward, merrily, happily. Should I stop being so naieve and face the cold, hard truth of this world? That hearts are always broken, pride is always lost, and there are no heroes anymore? If that’s the truth, I’m going create and live in a comfortable little lie; that a heart is invulnerable only when it’s in love, that pride is as loud and fierce as a lion’s roar (and always echoes and never goes away!), and there’ s a Superman in each and every one of us, somewhere, trying to get out with his laser eyes. If the world is filled with sadness, collapse, dispair, I’ll aim to fill it with happiness, foundation, hope. Even if it’s just by existing, day by day, week by week, I’ll live and shine and love and run and jump, just like I did when I was a boy. Back when all things in this world were amazing, and our eyes could grow as big as saucers. Always this talk of “growing up” and “finding direction.” I won’t find direction. I won’t ever find direction. Direction is going to find me. ‘Damn directions’, the male persona inside me says! ‘Don’t need ‘em!’ And it’s true. Because on the road of life, you’re never really lost since you’re always on a road to somewhere. You just might end up seeing a little extra taking the long way around, on occassion.

A spot of good news. I was told today that I won’t have to deploy again in January. A relief. I hadn’t wanted to go, not at all. I’ll simply be sent elsewhere to work my remaining days in the Navy. While I do feel a little remorseful that I won’t be able to help them, those feelings quickly fade into the logical rebuttal, “Well, they shouldn’t have sent me out here, then.” I find that reasonable enough.

.//chris

I’ll wait. Patiently, quietly, I’ll wait. Oh, I’ll be happy, like a boy in a rocket ship on his way to Mars, but still waiting all the same. Deep down we all know it’s because some things are just worth waiting around for. I wonder if I’ll be waiting until one day my heart no longer remembers and won’t wait any longer? A tragic fate for any spaceman.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 17th, 2008 at 6:51 pm and is filed under composition, blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.